U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
