I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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