UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
