Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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