So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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