my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
