I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
