so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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