burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
