I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
