Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have aggressive nipples.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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