we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
