he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
