I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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