Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
