fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
