Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize