You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
