Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
