Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
