I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
