I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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