Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
