How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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