Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
