NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
