I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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