I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize