apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
