Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
