I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
