Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
