Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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