Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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