I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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