how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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