i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
