Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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