She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize