I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
