She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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