does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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