you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
did i walk over a car last night?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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