I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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