I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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