If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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