just tell him i said nine months
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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