At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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