Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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