Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
