This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
