My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
