wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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