I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
