the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
