On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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