I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
