Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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