so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
MIDGETS
????
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
