He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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