Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
